00:00:00
Dr. Sara Nasserzadeh
I want you to know that no matter where you're coming from, you can find something to draw strengths from. Yeah. Oh,
00:00:07
Raquel Baldelomar
That is wonderful. So that's
00:00:08
Dr. Sara Nasserzadeh
Important.
00:00:12
Raquel Baldelomar
Hi, my name is Raquel Baldelomar, and welcome to the mega podcast where I speak with high achievers on how they fulfill their professional dreams while bringing balance throughout their lives. Today I am with Dr. Sarah Nade, a globally renowned author, speaker, and relationship therapist with a PhD in social psychology and a specialization in the fields of human sexuality and relationships. Dr. Sarah has worked with thousands of individuals, couples, and organizational clients to enhance relational health and a sense of thriving at both the macro and micro levels. She's a sought after cultural advisor, speaker, and expert facilitator at high profile events hosted by government organizations, UN agencies, academic institutions, and Fortune 500 companies. Her latest book, love By Design, six Ingredients to Build A Lifetime of Love is the result of her two decade long research on the status of thriving relationships and its key ingredients, namely attraction, respect, trust, shared vision, compassion, and loving behaviors.
Her parents grew up speaking different languages and followed different cultural rituals. So she grew up in an intercultural interfaith household in Tehran. Her mother was a social scientist and her dad was a social worker. She's been married for 23 years to Dr. Pejman Zaina, a medical doctor and researcher who founded Crats. Dr. Sara is based in Los Angeles and has been to 41 countries. Her interest is in helping people move past a more superficial love to the type of love that is more lasting, more real, and more desirable, not by chance, but by design. Dr. Sara, welcome to the Mega
00:02:00
Dr. Sara Nasserzadeh
Podcast. Thank you so much. Thank you for having me.
00:02:04
Raquel Baldelomar
One of the things that I really felt connected to you when I was researching, reading your book and researching you is your background growing up in a intercultural interfaith household in Tehran, living in another country, growing up in another country for many years like yourself. I also grew up in a intercultural interfaith household in Bolivia, grew up, spent the first years of my life in Bolivia, and that shaped me. It shaped me in a very big ways. How did growing up in that environment and that intercultural CrossFit household in Tehran, how did that shape you, you think?
00:02:46
Dr. Sara Nasserzadeh
Well, I'm glad that I'm in a conversation with somebody who kind of identifies with that part of me, the way that it shaped me, looking back, knowing what I know now back then, obviously you're just growing up. This is my mom, my dad, how things are done. But in the household, we had to find out who was telling what to us, what is the practice that we had to abide by. So very early on, we learned about who is us, who are the others? Who is me? Who is you and who I want to identify with? Why, how much? And there's a lot going into that. But also as a child, just going back to that time, as much as I can remember as a child, I had to make sense of a lot of things like the concept of self, the concept of the other, who is the other, right? So these are the things that we had to navigate in
00:03:46
Raquel Baldelomar
That context. And as a child, I mean, as you're trying to make sense of all this, what did you think of the other as a young child?
00:03:57
Dr. Sara Nasserzadeh
For example, my sister's name is Hannah, that was influenced by my father's culture. My name is Sarah, influenced by my mother's culture, and then my brother's name came from my father's side, and then my youngest sister's name came from my mother's side. So even within the family system, if you go through the names, you will see the influence of that. So by nature, as humans, we would like to know what is wrong, what is right, what to be attracted to, what to run from, to preserve safety, to create connection, all of that. So if you really bring that into this context, you will see that there are so many nuances that you have to navigate as a child. So when you say the other, this is only the family system, and we are not even talking about post-revolution, Iran. Within the family, we abide by certain rules. We looked a certain way, we talked a certain way. We had specific rituals we could never share to the outside world because that could cost your life, basically. So these were the things that very early on, I learned about the concept of self, the other, the others, and how to make peace with people, how to be in harmony with people who have such different values than you might possess. You
00:05:21
Raquel Baldelomar
Talk about that. How about you grew up in a context of having inner home values, and then the outer values were many times not aligned, and how that creates such tension and then trying to make sense of what is right and what is wrong, what is good and what is bad. How did you try to reconcile what you were being taught at home as strong values? But then you go out into the outside world, and then it's totally in conflict of what you're being taught at home.
00:05:50
Dr. Sara Nasserzadeh
How much time do we have? I know,
Because there's so many different examples. I have to actually give credit my parents a lot because one thing that they did beautifully was to instill a very strong sense of self into us. Each of us individually were seen, recognized for what we brought to the table for who we were, what we could achieve or not based on our own intellectual and physical abilities that we possessed. And I think with that, wherever that we went, whatever context that we went, even to this day that I go, I walk into so many spaces that if I tell you, sometimes I feel like it's a dream that I'm living from a church, underground church in Peru to a high level member of a state situation at the United Nations to my practice as a sex therapist. So when you really look at different settings that you go into, the common denominator is me, multiple identities that I possess. Right? So when you have a very strong sense of self, I think that carries you through.
00:07:03
Raquel Baldelomar
It does. And you are very lucky. You say your parents helped you develop that sense of self. They were both social. I remember reading your dad was one of the pioneers in HIV research.
00:07:16
Dr. Sara Nasserzadeh
Yes, yes.
00:07:16
Raquel Baldelomar
How did that affect your choice in terms of pursuing a career? Do you think they influenced you greatly in that respect?
00:07:26
Dr. Sara Nasserzadeh
Oh, big time. Really big time. Big time. So two things that I was thinking, how they influenced us. Obviously I can't remember everything because it's in every dinner table conversation that we had with my father. For example, every weekend we went for mountain climbing, which is equivalent to hiking here is not too rigorous. But we lived by the mountain in Tehran. So every weekend we went to a mountain climbing. I learned so much just by him talking and observing. For example, one of the biggest lessons he taught us one day, I remember there's a beautiful river coming down that mountain darvan, and he just looked at it and said, look at those rocks in life. The water doesn't stop because it can't move the rock. Sometimes you have to be the water. Just go around
00:08:20
Raquel Baldelomar
It. That's so beautiful.
00:08:22
Dr. Sara Nasserzadeh
That saved my life in so many situations. Yeah,
00:08:24
Raquel Baldelomar
The wisdom of that is so beautiful. What do you suggest to people who want to create that sense of self, but maybe they didn't have that experience growing up and having that relationship with their parents? I agree with you. I think even if it's one parent, if they can help instill a really strong sense of self in you, that is enough. If it's both parents, great. But when you grow up in a household where maybe that's not important, or developing that sense of identity is not important, how can you as a young adult or as a older adult, try to develop that on your own?
00:09:03
Dr. Sara Nasserzadeh
That's a great question. May I just say something in parenthesis before we move on? Many years ago when I went to counseling school in England to be interviewed, they asked me a question. They said, what were the traumas in your life that you experienced, and what are the heartbreaks that you endured in your life, and what are you going to offer your clients? And those were the questions. And in honest, in author, honestly, my answer was, look, there are traumas that I experienced that people don't need to experience to build a sense of resilience. For example, our home was bombed. So there are traumas that I went through. Yes, I had a solid foundation as a family, but you also, but we all have,
00:09:51
Raquel Baldelomar
You were living in a war zone. Exactly.
00:09:53
Dr. Sara Nasserzadeh
So we had different scenarios, right? Different traumas. Yeah. So I'm telling people this because I want you to know that no matter where you're coming from, you can find something to draw strengths from. Yeah. Oh,
00:10:06
Raquel Baldelomar
That is wonderful. So
00:10:07
Dr. Sara Nasserzadeh
That's important. That's one. The other thing is, my answer in that interview was, I know how good looks like. Let me do it. Let me show people that not all parents are broken. They do their best. I do my best God, God knows for my own child, but we don't get it always right. Majority of times, if we look back, we regret what I did, what I said, but we do our best. But also there is a way that we could share with this collective wisdom so that we get people out of WR and this victimhood and instill a sense of resiliency in them to be able to acknowledge various identities that they have. And then going back to your question, how to have that balance. You need to first find that balance inside multiple selves that you hold. Do they align with each other? Do they compliment? Do they fight? How do they serve each other? And then bring that balance to the world and then expect the world to offer you things that you can strengthen those senses that you bring.
00:11:16
Raquel Baldelomar
And that's what you say about focusing on the strengths that you have, that you've acquired, whatever they are. Everyone has trauma. People who've grown up in great two household parents where they didn't get divorced, had other forms of trauma, like what you're talking about. You grew up in a war zone for years. So from what I'm hearing from you is that to develop that sense of self is that focus on the resiliency, the strengths, the things that you do have. And don't fall into this victimhood of just feeling sorry for yourself, because I do see that and people say, oh, there's no way I can develop a sense of self because my parents divorced and they were horrible people, or they weren't best parents, but then they were like, maybe there's things about them that were difficult. But there was look at the things that really were great about them. And I think that's a really great approach to doing this. Your father nicknamed you the little black fish. Can you talk about where that comes from?
00:12:16
Dr. Sara Nasserzadeh
Well, the little black fish is a story, children's story, but it's like, I dunno if you're familiar with She Silverstein.
00:12:25
Raquel Baldelomar
She Silverstein? Yes. Oh, yes. He wrote an amazing, amazing
00:12:29
Dr. Sara Nasserzadeh
Stories. Right. So it's children's book, but not really. Oh my goodness. So it's existential. It's philosophical. It changes your epistemology throughout life. So that was that The Little Blackfish by Sam Beki. My father called me that for as long as I remember. And then I was old enough to read the book myself. The first thing I noticed when I read the book in English was that in Farsi, we don't have a third pronoun as we don't say he or she for everything. It's not gendered. It's not a gendered language. So the first time I read the book and I wanted to share it with my own child to see if this resonates with him, I was so disappointed because it was translated as he and I always thought it was a she. So that was the first thing that jumped at me talking about different cultures, different languages, different perceptions that we have.
So that was that. So the reason he called me the little blackfish was my questions. I always had gazillion questions. Now that I'm a mother, I understand how rewarding it is and how exhausting it is. So I had questions about everything. So he always told me this little blackfish story. So basically this story goes like this. There's this little black fish living in a pond, and he hears or she hears these stories that are told about the river, the seed, the ocean. So he's thinking, maybe there's more into this world than just this pond. I want to get out. I want to see what is out there. The mother is scared and says, don't go. You should never think about that. And all the people, I mean animals, fish in the pond, try to eliminate people like turtle and whatnot, who bring those stories to keep everything peaceful and contained.
But the little blackfish has the information. So one day she goes to the mother and says, I'm leaving. And she does, after crying and stuff, she leaves, she meets a lot of wise creatures along the way, collects wisdom as she goes, and as she's going towards the end, the river to the sea, learning that, oh my God, expansion. Expansion. There's more towards the end to rescue a bunch of fish. She loses her own life. So I'm not sure how dramatic I'm going to be with my life, but that gave me strength not to be scared, think outside the box. And also, I'm addicted to collecting wisdom addicted because I believe that the wisdom is not generated. It's there. It's just that we have to collect
00:15:21
Raquel Baldelomar
It's
00:15:21
Dr. Sara Nasserzadeh
And abide by them. Yeah.
00:15:22
Raquel Baldelomar
Well, that little black fish has been to 41 countries now.
00:15:26
Dr. Sara Nasserzadeh
Yes. Yes.
00:15:27
Raquel Baldelomar
And you've been gaining wisdom and also sharing wisdom along this route.
00:15:35
Dr. Sara Nasserzadeh
Yes. I've been privileged.
00:15:38
Raquel Baldelomar
Talk about your journey to becoming a therapist. Now you got your PhD in sociology. You then went on to California to get another master's degree in counseling, and you've done a research methodology with about 300 subjects to make observations of your studies. I mean, your credentials are just enormous. How have you balanced all of that with also trying to be a mother, a wife, also take your own personal health and make that a priority? That is very, very challenging. But as we break this down, because that's what I've always been very interested in, is in people who are able to do many things. And that's partly that's the wisdom too that we cultivate is in being able to do many things that are important to us. Well, so first is just your career. Just tell me about the journey of your career and what got you to where you are here today. Sure.
00:16:57
Dr. Sara Nasserzadeh
So I always knew that I want to better the lives of people. When I was four, I decided that I'm going to be a gynecologist. My logic was that the moment that we invite a new human to the world,
If I make it pleasant with my 4-year-old mind, if I make it pleasant, then that person is going to have a better life. It's going to pass it on to other people. Then around age 16, 17, so I thought that I went full on as I do with things. So studying and subscribing to medical journals, even people who are listening, I'm not a faker, but I made an agreement with a friend who was a medical student at Tehran University to fake an ID so I could go sit at their classes, would skip school to go sit at
00:17:50
Raquel Baldelomar
Their classes. I find it so funny that you wanted to go be a gynecologist, yet I also read that you didn't believe in weddings. You didn't want to go to weddings because you saw the 50% failure rate of marriages, and you're like, I'm not going to go to weddings when there's a 50% failure rate. So
00:18:08
Dr. Sara Nasserzadeh
That seemed too dangerous to me. Seemed too dangerous to me. Honestly, if you look at my pictures taken during that time in any weddings that I had to be in a cousin or something, I look like this. I'm like, I know where this is going.
00:18:24
Raquel Baldelomar
50%. Yeah, why are people doing this?
00:18:27
Dr. Sara Nasserzadeh
Yeah. So then
Little by little, I learned that, well, my father wise father sat me down and said, Sarah, are you sure you want to be a medical doctor? I said, yes, absolutely. This is where I want to be. And he said, look, here are the priorities that you share with me that you want to have kids. You want to have a family. If you are a gynecologist, especially if you practice obstetrician on the side of it, then you are being woken up, but the baby's coming toward and stuff. So anyway, he changed my mind. So I went to study linguistics because then that would be my way to rescue the world because then I was going to help people communicate better. Therefore, the world is going to be more peaceful. So that was that for a while. So I studied linguistics, and then along the way I realized that because I was representative of the university and had the journal at university, all that, I kept receiving questions from people.
And I realized that the questions are not about linguistics or communication. The questions are about how do I relate with other people relationships? How do I, yeah, mainly relationships. And then obviously back then in Iran, this is like 20 something years ago, sexuality was not a topic that was talked about. I thought it was only in Iran. And then as I started going to any country in the world, including our beloved country here in the us, I realized that this is a taboo. It's very sensationalized, but when it comes to the actual matter of fact speaking, people are just whispering or pathologizing. So I said, okay, so this is the place to be. Nobody's doing it. I'm doing it. So I went to England to be educated as a psychosexual therapist, couples counselor. So that's the clinical side. And then I realized that I need to learn systematically how to educate people.
So I did a lot in sexuality education. But then when it came to my PhD, I realized that I also would like to be evidence informed. I can't just say, well, this is what I saw in my workshops or clients. So I did research methodology to be solid in how I interpret and generalize the information and wisdom that I'm collecting. So that was the reason behind that. Along those lines, all of these years I'm working for the UN United Nations doing different missions for them from facilitating meetings to going to negotiate access for different groups. So that is going on the side. And then for my PhD, I decided that I'm going to work with people who are underrepresented in research. And the topic of my research was the health seeking information of heart to reach adolescents. And I put hard to reach in quotations, and somebody actually commented, you don't need a quotation.
Is it because your English is not very good? I said, no, actually this is very intentional. I don't do anything without intention. It's because nobody is hard to reach. If you fail to reach people, it's on you. So then I studied motivation models, human motivation model, human behavioral model, that's the social psychology part of it. And then all of that came together, disease while I'm living in England. And then we moved to the us. My clinical degrees didn't apply here. So I started just doing consulting. And the difference between consulting and therapy is with psychotherapy, you need pathology, you need to diagnose people, you need to, but with coaching and consulting, you're more future focused. Short-lived, future focused and more contextual based. So I kept doing that in the US while doing other works with different organizations. And then I was invited to be the president of the division seven for California Psychological Association to revive their chapter on diversity and social justice.
And it's really interesting. One time, I have to tell you this, Raquel. So I was invited to do this facilitation for a very high level leadership meeting in Washington DC political meeting. So the facilitation is going very well, and people are really arguing big egos in the room. So I'm doing that relational space, and then it's the bathroom break. In the bathroom. A lady comes to me, one of the participants, and says, I've got to ask. I said, what is happening? She said, I Googled you. Are you a sexologist? What are you doing here talking about this political? I said, look, the same people who are around the room, the same selves that show up in the bedroom, they show up in the boardroom. What is the difference? Yes. And she was convinced. Yes. I love that. It's a relational space, right? It is. It
00:23:44
Raquel Baldelomar
Is. And a lot of the skills that you teach couples as a sex therapist applies also in the boardroom. It's different. And it's maybe not as nuanced. It's not, maybe it's not as, you have to have restraint in certain areas, but it is very, it's about relationships and relations. You've said you've been called a doctor, a therapist, professor, consultant, counselor, coach, psychosexual, therapist, couples, therapists, many other terms besides of context, you have a lot of roles, which is a beautiful thing. Do you sometimes get confused of what those roles are? You just professionally, when you have all these multiple roles and multiple jobs, essentially as a advising, the UN advising, advising leaders, advising couples, it is kind of a different role you have to carry. And sometimes there can be confusion inside of that. How do you try to balance that within yourself?
00:24:52
Dr. Sara Nasserzadeh
I learned the difference between identities, roles, and the transitions that are needed between them. So that helped
00:25:02
Raquel Baldelomar
A lot. That's so true. Describe what is your process for doing the transitioning? I agree with that. That's really important. Sure.
00:25:09
Dr. Sara Nasserzadeh
So for example, I give you an example that many people out there could relate to. For example, during the pandemic, a lot of people had issues because I'm doing a high level. Let's say for example, I'm a lawyer. I'm solving a case. I'm involved in this scenario confidential, and then two minutes later, I'm leaving to cook dinner and then my child comes and I should immediately become the mother or the parent figure. So it's a lot of people were exhausted because of that, because they didn't have a chance to transition. What is the expectation? What is the energy mind space that is needed from one role to the other? So I share an exercise that is actually freely available on the website of Love by Design is called roles and goals. All of my clients have to do it once a year, at least once a year to make sure that the roles that they want in their lives are very much specified for them.
The resources, mind, space, energy, attention and money, and in general, resources that are needed for each of those roles are in place. And then have a strategy for each of those roles that they could check the box at the end of the year. That helps a lot. And another way that I do the transition, if I may show you actually somatically, is I check with myself. Who am I? Where am I? What am I doing? Let's say for example, from this conversation today I'm going to leave to the airport and it's going to be a totally different scenario for me after this. So one of the things that I do, as soon as I sit in that airplane chair, I have a check-in with myself. What am I leaving behind? What am I carrying forward to be able to be present for the role that is coming after this? In this way, I do the transition for myself. Sometimes I ask people to do this based on their sensory modes. Like let's say for example, there's a certain perfume that is preserved for a certain role. There's a certain clothing that we wear to prepare for a certain role. So these are the things that your transitions between roles are extremely important. If you have multiple roles, which many of us do, many
00:27:30
Raquel Baldelomar
Of us do, and it's so challenging handling just one role, but then having to navigate between one role and another is, so I love what you say Dr. Sarah about just checking in with yourself to say, what role am I going into right now? And do you do a meditation practice as part of that? How do you start the day as you're trying to establish the roles you're having to play that day? Do you do something to prepare yourself for the multiple roles you have to do? I mean, for myself, it's a meditation practice for me. That's what really helps me prepare myself for the different roles I have have to play for that day, the month. But how would you just say you kind of try to align yourself so that you're ready to handle where those multiple roles,
00:28:23
Dr. Sara Nasserzadeh
Right. I'm actually very curious to hear about your meditative like a state. What is your
00:28:27
Raquel Baldelomar
Practice? I wake up every single morning. I have, it's what I call a transcendental meditation. And it's a prayer that I developed over many years. And that prayer, it's like a long prayer and it takes on a different meaning based on what I do. And before I even do that prayer, I just basically think of, I just ask myself, how am I feeling this day? What are just kind of connecting with the universe, connecting with what my thoughts, the universe. And then once it's kind of all settled, then I do my prayer and that prayer will take on a different form in every single whatever it's happening in my life, what challenges I'm facing. And once that prayer's done, I can, I think go off with my day. I usually start, if it's a weekday, I start my workday. My role of a business owner, if it's a weekend I take on, it's a different role.
I'll maybe go on a long run, I'll go to the farmer's market. I'll do more other things that just nourish my soul in that way. But I always find that when I start my day with a meditation, it changes everything. It gives me such a level of equanimity that really nothing else can and that it prepares me to navigate the many different roles I have to also wear. So I find it really interesting what other people do, what they do to just mentally prepare themselves for the challenges that they're going to face that day for all the different roles that they have to do.
00:30:05
Dr. Sara Nasserzadeh
So what I'm hearing from you is what we know of research also, you are bringing your energy level. You're prepping yourself to meet the demands of the day throughout your meditation and where the attention goes, energy flows, right? So that's important practice that you do the TM with. One of the things that I find work for me is I started defining certain things that I call essences in the book. Essences are the ones that are never changing, ever. They are with me until I die. So those are the ones that I remind myself every day. For example, when I'm meditating, I meditate into how would I show up as I just go through my words? Let's say for example, grace, kindness or integrity, consistency, whatever that is for me. So it doesn't matter what role I'm in, those are with me. And there are certain things that are only for certain roles.
So for example, if I'm going to visit a relative that is sick and I know that I really don't have the gut, I'm going to be traumatized or activated around them on that day, I try to meditate to compassion patients. I'm trying to invite more of what I need in that day. I see. Or for the relationships that are surrounding me, especially my romantic relationship with Pejman, as you mentioned, my husband, based on the six ingredients that are solid research based, I think about which one of these ingredients I need today. I need to sprinkle a little bit more of this today. Maybe a little more respect, maybe a little more manifestation of love. What do I need today to make this soup a delicious one for the relationship. I
00:31:59
Raquel Baldelomar
Love that. I love that. Just how you actually focus on that. Let's get to talking about the book, those six ingredients, which I just love. And these are the six ingredients that you need that Dr. Sara said that you need here in the book. Love by design, it's attraction, respect, trust, compassion, shared vision and loving behaviors. And what I also really appreciate is that a lot of these things when you meditate on this, it's like you do this for both your romantic relationship. I mean, obviously you wrote this for a romantic relationship, but really you can also apply it to any relationship like let's say your sick family relative or a work colleague. It's obviously different degrees, but also I really appreciate that it changes your framework in terms of just when you can apply these six ingredients, it changes your whole life in terms of your outlook and the energy. That energy you put out. Absolutely. Changes in every realm.
00:33:18
Dr. Sara Nasserzadeh
Absolutely.
00:33:20
Raquel Baldelomar
So let's just go, let's talk first with personal relationships. Okay? I know business relationships can be very different in these attraction.
00:33:33
Dr. Sara Nasserzadeh
Why do you want to be around a person? Why do you want to apply for a certain company versus the other? It's actually very similar, but the way that is described and practiced within different relationships could be different. Let's say for example, there are certain principles that apply to any relationship, like reciprocity of liking. For example. These principles talks about if I come to you and you know that I like you over a period of time, you like me, you like me back, we are human. From that moment that we look into the eyes of our caregiver and they look to us as I like, you should be here, I'm glad you're here. I'm glad you made it to this world. So that brings that piece of tranquility and safety, and
00:34:27
Raquel Baldelomar
It's a human connection too. It's the attraction. It goes back to just like we are humans, even if it's attraction at it, just almost like to a stranger where humans connected in this world trying to just make a small difference. So I think that's really beautiful too. The attraction isn't always about your romantic partner. It can be something kind you do for a stranger.
00:34:51
Dr. Sara Nasserzadeh
Exactly. So why do you want to be around another person or another entity? So that's attraction, right? And then the problem is when it comes to romantic relationships, when I say attraction, people immediately go to sexual attraction.
And that's, that's only one. We have social attraction, intellectual attraction, financial attraction, political attraction. We have so many different types of attraction. And attraction grows with us through time. So what I would love for people to take away from this definition of attraction is expand your minds and be honest, what do you want to be around? And it's not only value based, but also based on what your default is, what you're coming from. So for example, if I've seen my parents who talk about their emotions, that's my default. If I'm around somebody who's closed down and they can't really talk about their emotions, that's unnatural to me. I am either driven towards it, depending on how much I love that default, or I will run away as fast as I can from it. So with attraction, we need to know what is the blueprint that we are carrying around attraction? What is it that we want to be around? What is it that we are running away from? These two polarities dictates where you end up,
00:36:15
Raquel Baldelomar
What you're attracted
00:36:16
Dr. Sara Nasserzadeh
To, and what you want to be around my clients who come and say that I always choose the wrong person, or I always choose the wrong job. So that comes from their traces.
00:36:29
Raquel Baldelomar
They, why are they attracting that? Why are they going for that respect?
00:36:35
Dr. Sara Nasserzadeh
Respect is the initial entry point to anything I do from any community that I go to for the humanitarian work, to my clients, to anything. I have everybody as at highest respect. And that is what we don't see in the world right now. And that's why such a chaos, because my way is the way, how dare you say that your way is the way. I have zero respect. We can go into that a lot. But in romantic relationships and high stake relationships is specifically, it's important for people to define respect for themselves. Respect is I am able to hold my boundaries lovingly and firmly and then use them as invitations to bring you into my life, to my world, to my sphere, and guiding you with those boundaries. A lot of people, the way that they talk about boundaries these days, they're like borders, like ki away or this thing that I call acquired narcissism because they're not able to hold their boundaries. They become passive aggressive. Or they go give, give, give, give, give. And they even walk all over themselves, let alone other people around them. So respect, to be respected, you need to be respectful, you need to be respectable. All of these things that are nuanced that we need to pay attention
00:38:04
Raquel Baldelomar
To. And respecting other opinions, respecting differences that are not your own, while also staying true to your own value system as well.
00:38:12
Dr. Sara Nasserzadeh
Exactly. So actually this is really another area talking about macro and micro level. So yes, I work with couples, but also I consult on diversity, equity, inclusion and engagement. How does that work if I'm attracted to you? And then my subconscious wish is that I'm going to make you like me. I'm going to make you fit into my desires and my life. So I am closing down all the doors that make you diverse and beautiful and wonderful and exciting over a period of time. Then I love you, but I'm not in love with you. There's nothing left of you.
00:38:52
Raquel Baldelomar
You've just molded them to exactly what you want, but not what makes them agree. Exactly.
00:38:56
Dr. Sara Nasserzadeh
And that's the cultural issue with many organizations who are really suffering to make diversity, equity, and inclusion a part of their DNA of the company. Because you bring people on board in the hiring process, you eliminate anybody who is different because they're not aligned with our culture. So we kill the diversity. And then from the pool that we have, homogenous pool that we have, we are trying to create diversity. Turning on the volume of that. I mean, how is that going to work?
00:39:25
Raquel Baldelomar
Yeah. I just love your ability to navigate both just these very large organizational challenges at a very macro level, Dr. Saer too, the most intimate relationships. I mean, it really is. So it's just wonderful that you have that ability to do that. And it takes such balance and it's, it's very similar to skills, but it's just solving very different problems. But then at the end, the core is these things, these six things you talk about
00:39:57
Dr. Sara Nasserzadeh
At the core is relationships, human relationships,
00:40:00
Raquel Baldelomar
Trust.
00:40:02
Dr. Sara Nasserzadeh
Trust towards reliability and consistency. People. That's important because you could be trustworthy in so many different ways, but if you're not consistent, it doesn't matter that one night that you didn't lock the door and the burglars came in, you broke my trust. It doesn't matter if you did that for 26 years, and I'm not saying that we need to be super humans, we can drop the ball. That's okay. But if you do that, admit it with integrity, go and try to mend it. Try to do better. So that is the piece about trust. Again, when we say trust in couple them, immediate place that people go is what?
00:40:47
Raquel Baldelomar
Affairs. Affairs, yes,
00:40:48
Dr. Sara Nasserzadeh
Exactly. Which is actually not majority of people that I see. It's more like a social trust, financial trust or mistrust or breach of trust. So there are so many different types of trust that are shaped or broken within a partnership, and these are the things that we need to really pay attention to.
00:41:10
Raquel Baldelomar
Do you think that a couple should have an established, these are the things that are important to me from a trust level? I mean beyond something like the base affairs and things like that, establishing what are those value systems that are important to each other from a trust level?
00:41:29
Dr. Sara Nasserzadeh
And if I may, there is an exercise in the book that I call quirks, sensitivities and pet peeves.
00:41:37
Raquel Baldelomar
Oh yeah.
00:41:38
Dr. Sara Nasserzadeh
There's a whole chapter on what we bring to the relationship and love. If you know that about yourself and know that trust is one of your sensitivities. So quirks are the ones that make us cute and make us us and identifiable to others. And sometimes they become pet peeves for other people, but we're not aware of them. Pet peeves are the ones that disgust us on a daily basis or when we see
00:42:02
Raquel Baldelomar
Them. For me, it's people who chew with their mouth open. So I totally get those are dead pet peeves. And it's like I tell my boyfriend, I'm like, sometimes he's not thinking. He's just starts chewing with his mouth open and I'm like, honey, chew with your mouth closed.
00:42:18
Dr. Sara Nasserzadeh
Can I offer something there? Okay, so that's so common. When you have something in the relationship like that, can you please in a moment that he's not doing it, you're going for a walk, hike, whatever your thing is, and say, you know what? I just wanted to bring up something. I am going to give you two. You're going to give me two and not more than two. Just keep it light. I love that. Right. And sometimes when you don't pay attention and when you chew with your mouth open, it's 10 out of 10 for me.
00:42:46
Raquel Baldelomar
I love that Dr. Sarah,
00:42:48
Dr. Sara Nasserzadeh
It's so important.
00:42:49
Raquel Baldelomar
Oh, that is so, so good. That is so, so good. Because I know when I'm making, I have dinner and enjoying my meal and he's just like all of a sudden starts chewing with his mouth open. I just say, I look at him or he gets offended and then it's just, I'm the nag. So I love what you say, change it. Take it out of that context and just say two out of two, I'm going to do two. And then he does too. Is that kind of how it is?
00:43:19
Dr. Sara Nasserzadeh
Yeah. You just go for a walk and talk about it. I love it. And we can talk about why the science behind walking if people's bodies allow. That's just because of bilateral stimulation and also regulation. But also a lot of my couples, when I see them individually, they tell me stuff. She does this all the time. I'm like, did you tell her 100 times? I'm like, can you try it in the session? And then they come, they're so uncomfortable because they don't want to offend the other person. They're like, you know what? When you do this, it's really, I'm like, no, this is actually 10 out of 10 for him. Did you know that? And usually they say he or she, whoever that the partner is, they're like, I didn't know this bothers you this much. We are not like people who are there to get our partners. We are there to make their lives easier for the most part. So if they really know how much it's bothersome, it will make a difference. But also, I have to warn you don't go out there and make a list of 120 and say 10 out of 10 for everything. No,
00:44:24
Raquel Baldelomar
Only two. Only do two
00:44:26
Dr. Sara Nasserzadeh
At a time.
00:44:27
Raquel Baldelomar
At least two at a time, at least. Okay. Compassion.
00:44:31
Dr. Sara Nasserzadeh
Compassion is being there for the other person without making it about yourself.
00:44:35
Raquel Baldelomar
Yes. And talk about the distinction between empathy and compassion. I really loved what you said about the difference between,
00:44:42
Dr. Sara Nasserzadeh
So empathy is feeling with the person. So let's say for example, as humans, we relate with each other. I say, oh, I have a bit of a cold. Your mind immediately goes to the last time you had cold, you were feeling that way. You're trying to get something that's joining, called joining in human relations. Healthy humans do that. Sometimes that becomes a little too much. I say, I have a cold. You're like, I'm sniffling actually, maybe I'm coming down with something. You hijacked my cold. And imagine what it does to couples. They come, they're tired, they're sad, they're angry at each other from something else or whatever. They're excited. And then before they know, it becomes the other person's thing to feel right.
00:45:30
Raquel Baldelomar
They haven't put up the boundaries per se. They just took in the feelings of the other ingraining in themselves. Exactly. So compassion instead is understanding the feelings of your partner, understanding the feelings of the person you're dealing with, but it not internalizing it.
00:45:50
Dr. Sara Nasserzadeh
Right? So understanding actually is a little bit overrated. If I may, and I learned that from the corporate life because sometimes when I learned that sometimes, especially in humanitarian situations, when the board needs to admit to a budget, like agree over a budget that goes to a cause. People have so many, not only fairing opinions, opposing opinions, they have zero understanding of each other. But at the end of the day, I walk out with a document with the funding. What does that tell you? They're working towards a shared vision. So for couples who are trying to understand one another, I've seen that that's a pitfall. If I may offer something here, compassion is I show up for you and I have a little exercise around it. You come to share something with me and say, Sarah, I'm a little upset with you. You did something.
You said something that actually bothered me today. Do you have a minute? And I just want you to listen. Can you hold that for me? I know exactly what you're expecting. I know if you have a timeframe around it. I even prefer that. Can I have five minutes and five minutes? Please don't go to five hours. Keep it at five minutes. And then when you said that this was really bothersome, I just wanted you to know. And then if I'm empathic, I'm like, I could be defensive. I could be so sad and ashamed and embarrassed. I crawl on this seat or disappear, whatever. That doesn't go well. Or I let your sadness regulate me and my nervous system, that's empathy, right over empathizing. But with compassion, I'm here. Oh my God, this person is really hurt and she wants me to hear her. Okay, do you need a hug at the end of when you are done? Can I hug you? Do you need to talk more about this? Was this helpful for you to share with me? Is there anything I can do that's compassion? It's not about me, it's about you. Even if I punched you and bruised you,
00:47:55
Raquel Baldelomar
I love that shared vision.
00:47:58
Dr. Sara Nasserzadeh
Shared vision is all about commitment. You need to know where you're going, which shared vision. You need to talk about location, you need to talk about basic values that you bring to the system, whatever that is, from macro to micro and all of that. And what is it that you're committing to when you don't feel like it?
00:48:22
Raquel Baldelomar
And how do you also have, when you have a different visions, different value systems, how do you align with it or how do you navigate those two differences? I would imagine
00:48:36
Dr. Sara Nasserzadeh
Some of them could be rectified with compassion. Some of them could be managed with negotiation and compromise. I don't recommend too many sacrifices because sacrifices don't go well over time. If one person feels like they're sacrificing all the time or they're sacrificing without the reward in return that they were expecting, however way that they define it, they end up in not a very good situation. A lot of resentment I see in people, and again, from organizations to bedroom to boardroom. So
00:49:11
Raquel Baldelomar
Try not to sacrifice
00:49:15
Dr. Sara Nasserzadeh
At least be very, very clear. And also that is not your default hopefully. But also with shared vision, one of the things that is very important is that you have a vision for yourself. Because I see a lot of people, they don't have a vision. Their point of attraction is they are attracted to a person who is very decisive, very articulate, very charming, and sometimes not with narcissistic injuries. And then they go in, they get mashed, and then over a period of years they hate the person. Hello. It's not only about that person, it's also about you as a person. Back then in time you didn't have a vision. You like to be a part of that vision, and now this is not working for you.
00:49:56
Raquel Baldelomar
So being clear with what your vision is if you're suffer and where you want to go.
00:50:00
Dr. Sara Nasserzadeh
Exactly. And when you are not feeling like it. So the commitment has to stay whether you feel like it or not.
00:50:09
Raquel Baldelomar
The final ingredient that you talk about is loving behaviors.
00:50:12
Dr. Sara Nasserzadeh
Yes. When I was writing the book, people ask me why loving behavior. The whole book is called Love by Design, loving Behavior for you. In partnership, you should know. I'm sure you do. There's a certain to be loving. It's tenderness through words, touch all the five senses, the way we are occupying space with one another. I go out of my way for my partner. I give them benefit of the doubt. I prioritize them with my resources, time, energy, attention, and money. So these are the things that make the loving partnership add that component of being loving to it.
00:50:57
Raquel Baldelomar
I love how in the book you talk about the difference between what you consider a submergent love model and an emergent love model. An emergent love is where one plus one equals three. And it's where each person is unique, a separate individual with separate their own separate thoughts, feelings, and desires. There is you, there is me. And then the third is there is we. And that is where one plus one equals three.
00:51:28
Dr. Sara Nasserzadeh
Yes.
00:51:29
Raquel Baldelomar
Describe that a little bit more. How did you come up? Tell me about the emergent love model.
00:51:32
Dr. Sara Nasserzadeh
Sure. So the concept of the third is not the first time that we are talking about. There are lots of colleagues and different philosophers talked about it. So the third is the context. The third is the we as you. The couple them, the couple them. But one of the things that I realized was in my meeting with one of the prominent voices in systems thinking Jamari, he explained it to me that love is an emergent entity. And that made so much sense to me. That was the beginning of the research.
00:52:04
Raquel Baldelomar
You talk about how emergent love is a collaborative effort. It is something that you build with your partner every single day. So it's constant development. It's, it's just working at it rather than just relying on what you call the mania of love, the bipolar aspect of it, the romantic aspect of it, which is what a lot of couples think of just what love is. While there's an element of that too, it's also just maintain its clarifying expectations, listening, maintaining boundaries and building the building blocks.
00:52:42
Dr. Sara Nasserzadeh
Yes. So if you think about it, one plus one equals one submergent as I call it, is when two people come together and originally heterosexual, like a cisgender coming together, spending a lot of time together, becoming one, then we are in love. Then let's do what is the next step. These couples find it very difficult to deal with a lot in life because this leads to codependency. This leads to a lack of self basically. So there's a lot that we can talk about. But what we found through our research asking people what makes your relationship thriving was emergent love, meaning that one plus one equals three. Imagine a spark log coming together in a conducive context of oxygen and heat. What do you have? Fire. Fire. If you take one of them away for a second, what will happen? The fire dies. So that is the difference. It's a concept that has not been discussed before. So people have a little bit of a what just happened, but really stay with me and think about it this way. The six ingredients that I'm discussing, they need to be there all the time, constantly, constantly to create the atmosphere necessary and the elements necessary for the love,
00:54:08
Raquel Baldelomar
For that fire,
00:54:10
Dr. Sara Nasserzadeh
For that fire dynamic fire to
00:54:12
Raquel Baldelomar
Stay. And if one goes away, whether it's trust or whether it's loving behaviors or whether it's compassion, that emergent love, that fire could very likely die. Exactly. And that's why people many times come see you.
00:54:26
Dr. Sara Nasserzadeh
Exactly.
00:54:26
Raquel Baldelomar
Exactly. Your expertise as a therapist is sex therapy. Yes. You mentioned in one of your podcast, previous podcasts, the difference between arousal and desire. Tell our audience a little bit what is the difference? Because a lot of people, I think are confused about what arousal versus desire is. Sure.
00:54:50
Dr. Sara Nasserzadeh
I should first probably say that I don't do sex therapy in California, so I am allowed with my license to do this outside here. I do more consulting so I can really get deeper in this. However, let's talk about arousal and desire. Desire, arousal is any sort of agitation to your nervous system. If you really think of arousal as that, it's like any agitation to your nervous system. That's why we have the variety of ways that people get aroused sexually. Traditionally speaking, many people thought arousal is the man's erection and that's it, period. No talk about the female body. No talk about anything else, but with desire. Desire is that fuel is that drive that you want to step in and do something. So that's desire, right? And arousal, when you are nervous speaking about the body, when you feel like you are working towards something. So if the desire is the draw, then arousal is something that could be created based on that. Or you could have arousal without the desire. If you are, especially for women. Now we know or more and more research is needed for people who are not occupying in male or female binary model. But from what we know now from the binary model is that women specifically have responsive arousal system so that when you come, and also the desire comes too. So desire is I want to do this. Right,
00:56:34
Raquel Baldelomar
Right. No, I mean, and I can totally relate as my boyfriend and I can desire him incredibly strongly. But what you talk the irritation, the physical irritation, the physical steps that need to happen to get to have arousal, the steps to actually, so that my body can physically respond is different than just having that mental desire. And I think that a lot of times, whether it's a man or a woman, it's like to get to that state of heightened arousal to have sex, you have to have do certain things. The couple needs to do certain things to get exactly. To create that fire, create that magic.
00:57:18
Dr. Sara Nasserzadeh
Exactly. So I have a term for that. So if the sexual chemistry is just coming together, having hot sex dangling from chandelier, so the one that I'm introducing to the book is sexual harmony. There is a place in the couple them that empathy works so well, erotic empathy. So you are actually touching each other at the nervous system level, at that regulation level. So when you are saying that I desire my partner, but it doesn't necessarily translate into the bodily arousal. So there's a lot going on between the two bodies. So a lot of people, a lot of busy couples specifically, they forget to touch each other. That's why I talk about touch lexicon in the book. So they forget to touch each other. And then the only point of connection is sex. I don't know this body. Why am I having sex with them?
00:58:11
Raquel Baldelomar
So how would you then describe the difference between sexual compatibility and sexual harmony,
00:58:19
Dr. Sara Nasserzadeh
Sexual compatibility or chemistry?
00:58:21
Raquel Baldelomar
Sexual chemistry. Sexual
00:58:22
Dr. Sara Nasserzadeh
Chemistry, chemistry. Because different, I can go there, but so sexual chemistry is when you have this almost spontaneous draw to someone. And I have people telling me that, well, I have this thing that I want to be around this person and really have sex with them. I think sex is going to be so hot with them. She's not even my type. That's sexual chemistry. You can't really logically describe it. And what we know based on, again, heterosexual, cisgender research, evolutionary based, it's based on being driven to a person so that you can have sex with them, create cute little babies who are genetically healthy because that's the drive. Or sometimes your route of arousal is associated with certain smell, certain way that the person looks or feels that is culturally constructed. That could be a part of it too. But then on the other side of it, with sexual harmony is learning and relearning each other. So you are actually spending time to deepen into me. I see. Into me, you see. And then it's a constant dance and invitation with one another and embedded in the reality of your lives with the physical abilities, phase of life, hormonal changes, good stuff that we go through in life.
00:59:48
Raquel Baldelomar
I remember reading in your research, it said just evolutionary sexual chemistry lasts for two years because it's like first year to have the baby and then one year to take care of the baby. And then after that, mother nature kind of just says, okay, sexual chemistry is gone. So if you want to maintain a relationship with someone, building on that sexual harmony is really important. And that requires the work. And sometimes when people say, oh, I don't have the desire for that person anymore. The sex isn't what it used to be is that that's where we can really work on that sexual harmony piece of it.
01:00:21
Dr. Sara Nasserzadeh
And they're chasing something that can't be restored. That's why we really need to start speaking differently about all of these concepts. Honestly, one of the main reasons I wrote this book was I didn't want my son to go through the life that many of my clients do. Honest to God, that was one of the reasons, and I was thinking, if I was privileged enough to collect this information, people need to know. So for example, when you're talking about the sexual harmony piece, it's a place that you go to experience that, but also it requires a lot of work and energy. And it's okay if your sex life is not that hot and whatever, because there are other aspects of life that come together and those points of attraction, different points of attraction. The couple, the other thing I want to say is we are talking about long-term relationships here. So there's nothing wrong with people who want to have those hot experiences up to them, good for them. But our conversation is about people who are disconcerned, disillusioned. They're feeling like they're chasing something that could never be. They're dealing with this grief almost. And the research that you're quoting from book also is multiple research, but one of the ones that are very much known in the US specifically is my good colleague, Dr. Helen Fisher, that the research showed that the sexual chemistry, that infatuation will go away on average within two years.
01:01:54
Raquel Baldelomar
How for couples that want to maintain that high level of just sparks and fire and the feeling that they had when the first two years, let's say, of their relationship over time, whether it's five years, 10 years, 20 years, they want to maintain that heightened level. What advice would you give them in terms of the sexual harmony, in terms of using the emergent love model, continuing to work on that every day, to maintain that sense of just mystery and just the desire. Are there things that you would recommend to couples who to do that on the sexual harmony component? Yes.
01:02:39
Dr. Sara Nasserzadeh
First and foremost, make sure that your bodies like each other. If your partner goes around and shouts, yells raises their voices, and you are scared, your body is scared of them, nothing bad is going to happen, but your body doesn't, then you're going to shy away. You're going to switch that off. So that's one. Take care of yourself in however way that you can. It's important. And close that toilet door, please.
01:03:05
Raquel Baldelomar
Yes, there needs some mystery. There needs to be a little mystery and there to just, they don't need to know everything about.
01:03:13
Dr. Sara Nasserzadeh
Yeah. And also another thing that I was actually speaking with BB, C the other day about snoring or sleeping habits. Look, I understand that this is scary, especially with this term that was used that I actually don't recommend using because it ruined the whole evidence behind this thing. When you call sleeping separately, when you call sleeping separately for couples as sleep, divorce or these negative connotations, obviously people think that if we sleep separately, even though you are snoring, even though you wake me all the time, even though it's horrible, you're kicking me, you're stealing my blanket, whatever, and my body hates your body because of it, but we have to keep at it. Otherwise, we are one of those sleep divorce couples. No. Look through the reality of your lives and see what is it that if you come together 10 minutes before you go to bed, you have that heartfelt, maybe back to back breathing, maybe eye gazing, connecting with one another, and then kiss each other goodnight in however way that your thing is, and then you go asleep fresh in the morning, wake up and then come greet each other, come back together.
But many people take it the other way. Yeah,
01:04:26
Raquel Baldelomar
They take it personally or something like that. Everyone, Dr. Sara says that you can sleep in separate rooms and still have a very healthy relationship and that's actually great. It gives having that space, you don't need to be as a couple all the time.
01:04:42
Dr. Sara Nasserzadeh
Absolutely. But before you do that, make sure that you have a moment of physical connection with one another as best as you can. So you can't have a court launch just to go and say hello and goodbye. I'll see you tomorrow and no touch. We don't do that. Right. So a moment of coming together and then having a conversation around this and going to sleep separately.
01:05:07
Raquel Baldelomar
As we wrap up, Dr. Zara, I'm going to ask you a few questions. I ask all of our guests related to the concept of balance and achieving health, wealth and happiness. What would you say are your top three healthiest habits?
01:05:21
Dr. Sara Nasserzadeh
Meditation. Definitely meditation for mental health, and what I learned over time is to respect my body, basic needs, hunger, rest, the lighting at my desk.
01:05:39
Raquel Baldelomar
Yeah,
01:05:41
Dr. Sara Nasserzadeh
Just physical comfort that we need. Taking breaks.
01:05:44
Raquel Baldelomar
Yeah. Rest is important and I mean even, and I'm getting older at 44, I need a lot more naps than I did when I was 24. And just so respecting your body, respecting the limitations and taking breaks. I mean, that's such great advice.
01:06:00
Dr. Sara Nasserzadeh
Yeah. If we don't have this, we have no home. Yeah,
01:06:03
Raquel Baldelomar
Exactly. We can't give to anybody else if we are not taking care of ourselves. I have a principal that says part of balance is having healthy vices and a healthy vice are things that are maybe not necessarily good for you, but that bring you great joy. For me, it's like poker. Poker is an example of a healthy vice. It's not good for me. It's addicting, but it brings me great joy. What would you say are your top three healthy vice?
01:06:32
Dr. Sara Nasserzadeh
Did you say healthy?
01:06:33
Raquel Baldelomar
Healthy, yes. They have to be healthy. It's a vice. It can be a vice. It's a difference between eating ice cream versus doing a line of coke.
01:06:42
Dr. Sara Nasserzadeh
Yeah. No, not that. I would say my vice, any number of them would be my social connections. My son, just being at his presence, I would say.
01:06:55
Raquel Baldelomar
How old is your son? 10. Oh, that's wonderful. Beautiful age.
01:06:59
Dr. Sara Nasserzadeh
Yeah, absolutely. My husband, my siblings, my parents. Any deep connection, my friends, that would be that and an edible stuff. Coffee.
01:07:12
Raquel Baldelomar
Coffee is, you drink a lot of coffee. Yes. Really? How late do you drink coffee?
01:07:16
Dr. Sara Nasserzadeh
I try not to drink after four o'clock.
01:07:19
Raquel Baldelomar
Okay. I'll see. I can't do it afternoon, but yeah, so you drink coffee is what helps you just keep on going? It's kind of,
01:07:26
Dr. Sara Nasserzadeh
I just love coffee, but I'm also careful for it not to become the poison of choice because I don't want to just drag myself to be able to go. Right. You need to be able to read the signals. If you have to stop,
01:07:40
Raquel Baldelomar
You do. What are the small things you do every day to try to achieve balance?
01:07:47
Dr. Sara Nasserzadeh
I try to bring multiple identities that I have on board. I try to make sure that they're doing okay taken care of, and then offer them into my roles. As we talked before. I would say I pay close attention to my transitions. That's really important for me for balance, so the inner balance and then transition between one role to the other is very important. I
01:08:14
Raquel Baldelomar
Think mean. We could do a whole conversation about this. I mean, I would love to invite you back to talk about some of those elements. Yes. The transition of how you transition from different roles is so important. I love that. What does wealth mean to you?
01:08:32
Dr. Sara Nasserzadeh
Wealth. There are certain capitals, wealth and capital go hand in hand to me for me that we need to bank, I would say social capital, financial capital to the point that I don't need somebody else, and if I want to be charitable, I can for the causes that I can, I want and emotional wealth. As a person who provides for people who is in a service industry, so to speak, I need to make sure that I have enough wealth in my mental and emotional wealth to be able to be abundant and generous to other people.
01:09:11
Raquel Baldelomar
Yeah, that's important. You realize a lot of people may have financial wealth, but they have no emotional wealth at
01:09:20
Dr. Sara Nasserzadeh
All, and also spiritual health and wealth. Where do you get your sense of wonder? Where do you get your sense of I'm a part of something bigger? That's wealth to me.
01:09:33
Raquel Baldelomar
What are the top three books that you recommend most often
01:09:37
Dr. Sara Nasserzadeh
To whom?
01:09:38
Raquel Baldelomar
Let's say to a client, to a couple, let's just say to a couple, to a couple.
01:09:43
Dr. Sara Nasserzadeh
Sexuality speaking, I like my friend's book, Emily N's book. Come As You Are. It's a very good book to read. I think that's one of those baselines that people need to read. A lot of gutman's books, Dr. Gutman's books. The last one is Fighting right is a good one. Eight date is a good one. Very organized and kind of simple to follow. I would say that. And yeah. And yes, your kid just came out by my colleague, Dr. Devy Herbenick, and it's on top of my mind because a lot of parents that I see struggle to talk to their children about sex, and I think that's a good book for them.
01:10:31
Raquel Baldelomar
If you could have one message on a billboard that gives a message on what it takes to achieve the combination of health, wealth, and happiness, what would that message be?
01:10:42
Dr. Sara Nasserzadeh
Ooh. I would say be intentional.
01:10:53
Raquel Baldelomar
That's great. Dr. Sar, thank you so much for being here with me today. Is there anything else you would like to leave our viewers with?
01:11:01
Dr. Sara Nasserzadeh
Thank you so much for having me and for all of these informed questions. I thoroughly enjoyed our conversation. Thank
01:11:06
Raquel Baldelomar
You. I really enjoyed it too. Where can our viewers find you on social media?
01:11:11
Dr. Sara Nasserzadeh
I'm on Instagram on the Dr. Na, and I'm on LinkedIn. I'm on YouTube, I'm on everywhere. But if they want to receive resources, I highly recommend that people go to a love by design book.com. There's a resource page. They can download roles and goals and exercise and social capital, for example. They're all there for them to download and also they can join the newsletter to receive any further resources.
01:11:40
Raquel Baldelomar
The book is Love by Design, and you can also get, if you want to do a relationship panoramic inventory, which is basically analysis is it of the relationship is that you can go to relationship panoramic.com and if you enter the coupon code mega, you'll get 10% off your inventory report. So if you want to also get this book, a signed copy of this book by Dr. Sarah, go to Love by design book.com. It's a great book. I highly recommend it. Dr. Sarah, thank you so, so much. Thank you. And to my fans, to my viewers, thank you for watching. Thank you for spending this hour with me and Dr. Sarah. I love you. I love you all. And until next time.